Sparklepire Adventures: Shut Up Edward

[meganbmoore]

Hey, remember when Stephanie Meyer was going to rewrite the entire Twilight series from Edward's POV with the terribly clever title of Midnight Sun and we all went "SAY WHAT?" and then the beginning leaked and she quit in a huff of offended professionalism?

For some reason, I thought there were only a few chapters of this, but my file (I can't even recall how I ended up with it...) is over 200 pages.

Dialogue format: GO!

EDWARD: School is hell! Hell Hell Hell! It is punishment for my sins!
ALL THE GIRLS: Siiiiiiiiiigh...you are so so so hot...
EDWARD: For the record, I'm worse than Bella when it comes to droning on and on about my emo. At least she goes on tangents about Epic Love Stories Of Literature That Really Aren't Romantic. Me? I talk about cracks in plaster.
UNIVERSE: How is this possible?
EDWARD: By the way, I hate all my classmates and have nothing but utter contempt for all of them! How dare high schoolers act like teenagers!
OTHER CULLENS: Except us, right?
EDWARD: Uhm...yes. I will now explain that I try not to read your minds or anyone else's then take great pleasure in explaining every single thing you think and offering commentary on it in a snide way that is meant to be either angsty or amusing, but is really just me being a jerk. Here, let me describe my brother's bloodlust and desire to eat a classmate in a semi-erotic way.
ALICE: It might help both of you if you actually view them as people, you know.
EDWARD: What a bizarre idea! They aren't people! They're...something else.
JESSICA: Hey, despite the fact that I was actually a fairly good friend to Bella (as much as anyone could be) until she completely freaked me out in her "I want to be a zombie so that I can no longer feel pain" phase, we'll now retcon it to me being a mean bitch who hated Bella at first sight since Bella and I did stop being friends eventually. Also, I am a shallow twit who does nothing but daydream about boys. Admittedly, I might come off better if this wasn't Edward's POV.
TEENAGED GIRLS EVERYWHERE: Why does daydreaming about boys make me shallow and unlikable?
BELLA: I have arrived!
EDWARD: OMG I can't eavesdrop on her every thought and then be emo about not being able to stay out of her head! Something is wrong in the universe!
BELLA: Uhm...hi?
EDWARD: Silence with your wonderfully clear voice! I am trying to read your mind! How can I have proper contempt for you if I can't hear your every thought?!?!?!
BELLA: Uhm...do you talk? Have manners?
EDWARD: I am a predator! You are my prey! Don't talk to me. I'm trying to turn you into a nice, fluffy sheep in my head. Also, I think you might see me do something supernatural since you weird me out so much, so I'm just going to plot your death and the death of everyone else in the room now.
BELLA: Sorry, too busy falling on my face to notice your emo.
EDWARD: It's ok, I need to spend a few pages thinking about how I'll slaughter all of you. This, incidentally, will be ALL YOUR FAULT, new girl, because I can't invade your mind and then be emo about it.
OTHER CULLENS: Man, if we could read minds, we'd have him on another continent by now.
EDWARD: Ok, time to fantasize about Carlisle for a while. And by "fantasize" I mean drone on about his looks and how amazing he is. Let me remind everyone that while he is my father in my mind, there is no biological connection between us.
EDWARD/CARLISLE SHIPPERS: ULTIMATE KEYBOARD SMASH!
EDWARD: BTW, Bella repulses me.
UNIVERSE: Is that why you'll shortly be cudding and hugging and kissing her nonstop until she tries to help you with that virginity thing?
EDWARD: BUT I CANNOT READ HER MIND! How can I be endlessly emo around this person if there's no reason to be? Oh, and if I have to murder everyone, it'll be all her fault. I mentioned that part, right? I'll just deal with having her sit beside me in class by fantasizing about how to kill her non-stop.
ALICE: I am so sorry! I was so busy dealing with a boyfriend who's trying not to be homicidal that I didn't realize that my brother is considering mass murder!
EDWARD: I will use my willpower to resist my homicidal urges. And by "willpower," I mean "think happy thoughts of Carlisle and how SAD he'll be if I do anything and I will fill my mind with nothing but his face."
UNIVERSE: Wait, is this retelling Edward and Bella's Epic Love through Edward's POV, or Meyer's Edward/Carlisle fanfic? I'm getting a bit confused...
ALICE: HOBOY VISIONS KICKED IN! Uhm...lets take you home now. And by "now" I mean "lets hope no one notices the trail of sparkles going 90 miles an hour."
EDWARD: Off to Denali I go!
TANYA: Look, if you're going to be in my head anyway, I'll just talk to you that way. It's easier. Also, you're hot. I apparently don't find the emo a turnoff.
EDWARD: MY VIRTUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! I must return to Forks to protect my virtuuuuuuuueeeeeeeee!
BELLA: BWAHAHAHAHA!!
EMMETT: I don't see what the big deal is. Just off her already...
MEGAN: Fairwell, moderate fondness for Emmett...
ALICE! She is my future partner in lesyay! Don't you dare!
EDWARD: Abruptly, I am fascinated by and in love with Bella.

Well, that's the first 2 chapters, which is 50 pages of my 200+ page file. Unlike the actual Twilight books, I don't find it interesting in an analytical context, and so while there's a serious morbid fascination going on with it, it's actually really boring, in addition to lacking the element where a better writer and some self-awareness could turn it into a major deconstruction of gothic fiction and the vampire romance subgenre. But yes, Meyer really does seem to be shipping Edward with his (adoptive) father, and Edward really does spend most of the time thinking about how he hates Bella and fantasizing about killing her and their classmates. And Edward drones on about five times as much as Bella, and is way less interesting about it. And Bella's emo droning isn't exactly compelling reading. Also, Bella almost comes across as a genius here. (I mean, while her common sense and yaste in men are very questionable, she's generally an intelligent enough girl. It's just that without her inner monologue and compared to Edward, the girl suddenly looks 10 times smarter.)

TBH, I'm actually really curious about how this book would have gone over if it ever had been published. I've always thought that a large part of Twilight's popularity was the fact that, even though Meyer is very much influenced by a patriarchal mindset (often in the worst possible ways) the world itself actually exists almost entirely within the female gaze. Not only that, but filtering that gaze through Bella's POV actually turns it into a text that, on certain levels, directly contradicts everything teenaged girls are told about how they're supposed to act and think and says it's ok to be self-absorbed, it's ok to think you're older than your years, it's ok to like the popular guy, it's ok to be the Different one, it's ok not to have the popular interests, etc. It just happens to come with bad writing and a creepy plot drowning in an oppressive and controlling patriarchal worldview despite the world inside that view existing within the female gaze.

Switching the POV to Edward's POV, though, removes those aspects completely. Not only that, but Edward himself actively undermines all those "ok"-s and openly holds everything that could be considered normal about a teenager in contempt, and the female gaze and voice have been completely eliminated.

I might read more, purely for your entertainment, but there may have to be extreme boredom and bribes involved.

I always take bribes, though I may have to learn how to make exceptions.