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meganbmooreA few things before I begin:
1. These things don't deserve my "books" tag.
2. Lets get something straight before I get started and everyone starts "all romance novels suck" and "there's no such thing as a good romance novel" and "all that matters is the sex scenes in these things anyway": romance novels are like any other genre, regardless of medium. There are good books, there are bad books, there are books that are just fun, there are books that should have never been written, and there's everything in between. Edwards is of the next to last category. Like every piece of fiction, it's the individual product, not the genre, that determines if it's good or bad.
3. I will not be closely reading these. I will be looking for amazingly bad things, and things that seem plagiarized. If it's something Smart Bitches, Trashy Books already covered, I'll just mention that I saw it. If not, I'll quote it and anyone who wants can use their googlefu to investigate.
I will update this post until I can't stomach anymore in one sitting, then start a new one when I start up again.
I will now get a glass of milk and something with hot gooey chocolate to ease the pain and begin.
Note: I shall now refer to the leads as Mighty Wang and Busty Boy-Girl(Busty BG for short.)
Ok, enough for now. Time to fix me some food.
1. These things don't deserve my "books" tag.
2. Lets get something straight before I get started and everyone starts "all romance novels suck" and "there's no such thing as a good romance novel" and "all that matters is the sex scenes in these things anyway": romance novels are like any other genre, regardless of medium. There are good books, there are bad books, there are books that are just fun, there are books that should have never been written, and there's everything in between. Edwards is of the next to last category. Like every piece of fiction, it's the individual product, not the genre, that determines if it's good or bad.
3. I will not be closely reading these. I will be looking for amazingly bad things, and things that seem plagiarized. If it's something Smart Bitches, Trashy Books already covered, I'll just mention that I saw it. If not, I'll quote it and anyone who wants can use their googlefu to investigate.
I will update this post until I can't stomach anymore in one sitting, then start a new one when I start up again.
I will now get a glass of milk and something with hot gooey chocolate to ease the pain and begin.
ETA 1:
Honestly, the first few pages are a narrative that sounds directly out of a history book or a personal accounting. Here's the first paragraph:
It was 1784. The small room in the Silver Creek General Store was dark and dreary. It had the foul aroma of dried hides and tobacco. It also reeked of pickled cucumbers, which were packed in a tall, open crock that sat on the floor with a dead roach floating belly up on the top.
Have already spotted and confirmed 2 things The Ladies already found-one involves the heroine ogling the hero being impressed, at length, by the hero's clothes, and the other the hero randomly pondering the migratory patterns of birds.
Also, the hero appears to already be lusting after the heroine, despite thinking she's a young boy, and this is how the heroine's mother talks to her daughter in public, surrounded by people she wants to think her daughter is a boy:
Daughter, if that Injun was offended by you starin' at him, he might come lookin' for you and claim your scalp for his scalp pole.
Honestly, the first few pages are a narrative that sounds directly out of a history book or a personal accounting. Here's the first paragraph:
It was 1784. The small room in the Silver Creek General Store was dark and dreary. It had the foul aroma of dried hides and tobacco. It also reeked of pickled cucumbers, which were packed in a tall, open crock that sat on the floor with a dead roach floating belly up on the top.
Have already spotted and confirmed 2 things The Ladies already found-one involves the heroine
Also, the hero appears to already be lusting after the heroine, despite thinking she's a young boy, and this is how the heroine's mother talks to her daughter in public, surrounded by people she wants to think her daughter is a boy:
Daughter, if that Injun was offended by you starin' at him, he might come lookin' for you and claim your scalp for his scalp pole.
Note: I shall now refer to the leads as Mighty Wang and Busty Boy-Girl(Busty BG for short.)
ETA 2:
Forsmillaraaq: Mighty Wang is of the Hawk clan. Mighty Wang's real name is Shadow Hawk.
Mighty Wang explaining why he's going to kidnap Busty BG:
It made Shadow Hawk's heart ache to recall just how badly the white people had shamed and tricked his brothers. The Treaty of Paris had ended the war. Britain had been forced to forfeit all of its holdings in the colonies that made up the United States.
But at the end of the war, the new American government had been in debt to the soldiers who had fought for it.
The government had decided to give the soldiers Indian land for back pay and sell what was left to reimburse government expenses.
...
They had claimed that because they had won the war with Britain, they had also conquered England's allies including the Seneca.
When the Seneca were not willing to give up their land, the government then used other tactics to force them off.
Then Mightty Wang elebaorates on the wrongs done to his clan and then about how alcohol is evil and how even the townspeople wanted to chase off Busty BG's family for selling alcohol. Mighty Wang says that alcohol has made his mighty and noble warriors worthless wusses, and that if the tavern goes away, they'll be men again. (Uhm...I know it's an addiction, and that it was a new substance to the Native Americans...but, seriously, unless someone was holding a gun to their heads and forcing them to drink...)
He also keeps pondering beautiful boys. Did I mention Busty BG was also admiring "the purity of his features" earlier? Right now, she's bemoaning her forced crossdressing state. It's been pointed out, though, that since men had ponytails at the time, she still has long, beautiful golden hair, and she is staring at a copy of Witches of Salem with a sense of Impending Doom.
Evil Other Man seems to want to rape Busty BG despite not being sure about his gender. Oh, he's white and supplies the alcohol, of course. Remember, only 1 white person is allowed to be good, and that is because she will be converted by the power of the wang.
Despite having just been 3 feet from an attempted rape, Busty BG is longing for a man to treat her like a woman and kiss her.
Mighty Wang is now whining(for about 4 pages now) about the evil white man ruining his noble warriors. His best friend is Blue Night. They seem to have been amazingly close as children, but now Blue Night is an alcoholic. Mighty Wang lectures his men for a bit and then remembers he has to kidnap Busty BG.
On page 48.
For
smillaraaq: Mighty Wang is of the Hawk clan. Mighty Wang's real name is Shadow Hawk.Mighty Wang explaining why he's going to kidnap Busty BG:
It made Shadow Hawk's heart ache to recall just how badly the white people had shamed and tricked his brothers. The Treaty of Paris had ended the war. Britain had been forced to forfeit all of its holdings in the colonies that made up the United States.
But at the end of the war, the new American government had been in debt to the soldiers who had fought for it.
The government had decided to give the soldiers Indian land for back pay and sell what was left to reimburse government expenses.
...
They had claimed that because they had won the war with Britain, they had also conquered England's allies including the Seneca.
When the Seneca were not willing to give up their land, the government then used other tactics to force them off.
Then Mightty Wang elebaorates on the wrongs done to his clan and then about how alcohol is evil and how even the townspeople wanted to chase off Busty BG's family for selling alcohol. Mighty Wang says that alcohol has made his mighty and noble warriors worthless wusses, and that if the tavern goes away, they'll be men again. (Uhm...I know it's an addiction, and that it was a new substance to the Native Americans...but, seriously, unless someone was holding a gun to their heads and forcing them to drink...)
He also keeps pondering beautiful boys. Did I mention Busty BG was also admiring "the purity of his features" earlier? Right now, she's bemoaning her forced crossdressing state. It's been pointed out, though, that since men had ponytails at the time, she still has long, beautiful golden hair, and she is staring at a copy of Witches of Salem with a sense of Impending Doom.
Evil Other Man seems to want to rape Busty BG despite not being sure about his gender. Oh, he's white and supplies the alcohol, of course. Remember, only 1 white person is allowed to be good, and that is because she will be converted by the power of the wang.
Despite having just been 3 feet from an attempted rape, Busty BG is longing for a man to treat her like a woman and kiss her.
Mighty Wang is now whining(for about 4 pages now) about the evil white man ruining his noble warriors. His best friend is Blue Night. They seem to have been amazingly close as children, but now Blue Night is an alcoholic. Mighty Wang lectures his men for a bit and then remembers he has to kidnap Busty BG.
On page 48.
ETA 3:
We have had a town meeting that essentially confirmed all white people are sexist and racist. Wannabe rapist has started his witch hunt. Meanwhile, Busty BG is frolicing around her bedroom with a cloud of beautiful golden locks in a lacy nightgown. As she lives above a tavern, I assume she has a heavy lock on the door and no windows.
Her parents' story sounds directly lifted out of a history book, but I won't bother to type it up. Then there were 15 amazingly dull pages where Busty BG and the token loving black servant with poor grammar discussed witchcraft.
Anyway, Busty BG sneaks out(in boy clothes again) in the dead of night and, when she learns of the witchhunt, says "I...must...warn Mother." And at that literal second, Mighty Wang kidnaps her with much poorly written manly masculinity. Mighty Wang, naturally, despite possessing perfect English, refers to himself in the 3rd person(ok, there may be an actual language barrier as far as referring to yourself in the first person goes, I don't know. But as he says "If you value your life...you will not shout for help or try to get away" I'm not inclined to be very generous.
Busty BG's reaction to being kidnapped and tossed in a canoe is to sit there calmly and say "Are...you...going to rape me?...Are...are...you going...to scalp me?" Mighty Wang's response is to shamelessly ogle her without a word. I think he's just relieved to see that she's obviously a girl, so he wasn't REALLY secretly lusting after a young boy. Since he's only ogling her and holding a knife on her after kidnapping her, she ogles him back instead of...doing anything intelligent. Screaming comes to mind. So does punching.
She considers protesting, then gets flattered by her kidnappers ogling.
Excuse me. Brain cells just died.
Mighty Wang is now(about 10 pages of braindeadness later) throwing around words like wee-nighh and ne-hagwenda-s and following up with translations as he realizes he wants a wife. Busty BG finally decides to do something and flings herself out of the canoe and into the river. I guess she can't swim or something(finding out for sure would involve closely reading it) and ends up tangled up in something, requiring Mighty Wang to heroically rescue her. This results in wet but clothed clinging, straddling, and...a...lot more...talking...like...this.
Mighty Wang thinks all this makes her brave and courageous and determined and is now glowing "with inner warmth at the thought of taking her to his blankets with him and teaching her all the ways to love."
Arrival at Mighty Wang's village:
Now that she was at the village, she was surprised to see that the Seneca did not reside in tepees. Instead, they lived in long, gabled houses which appeared, beneath the light of the moon, to be covered with elm bark. The village overlooked the river from the hills of its western banks. She could see that the village was surrounded by gardens filled with many vegetables. The houses were scattered here and there in random fashion.
About 2 pages of chit-chat later, there's a passage on corn that The Ladies have in their text document.
On page 114.
We have had a town meeting that essentially confirmed all white people are sexist and racist. Wannabe rapist has started his witch hunt. Meanwhile, Busty BG is frolicing around her bedroom with a cloud of beautiful golden locks in a lacy nightgown. As she lives above a tavern, I assume she has a heavy lock on the door and no windows.
Her parents' story sounds directly lifted out of a history book, but I won't bother to type it up. Then there were 15 amazingly dull pages where Busty BG and the token loving black servant with poor grammar discussed witchcraft.
Anyway, Busty BG sneaks out(in boy clothes again) in the dead of night and, when she learns of the witchhunt, says "I...must...warn Mother." And at that literal second, Mighty Wang kidnaps her with much poorly written manly masculinity. Mighty Wang, naturally, despite possessing perfect English, refers to himself in the 3rd person(ok, there may be an actual language barrier as far as referring to yourself in the first person goes, I don't know. But as he says "If you value your life...you will not shout for help or try to get away" I'm not inclined to be very generous.
Busty BG's reaction to being kidnapped and tossed in a canoe is to sit there calmly and say "Are...you...going to rape me?...Are...are...you going...to scalp me?" Mighty Wang's response is to shamelessly ogle her without a word. I think he's just relieved to see that she's obviously a girl, so he wasn't REALLY secretly lusting after a young boy. Since he's only ogling her and holding a knife on her after kidnapping her, she ogles him back instead of...doing anything intelligent. Screaming comes to mind. So does punching.
She considers protesting, then gets flattered by her kidnappers ogling.
Excuse me. Brain cells just died.
Mighty Wang is now(about 10 pages of braindeadness later) throwing around words like wee-nighh and ne-hagwenda-s and following up with translations as he realizes he wants a wife. Busty BG finally decides to do something and flings herself out of the canoe and into the river. I guess she can't swim or something(finding out for sure would involve closely reading it) and ends up tangled up in something, requiring Mighty Wang to heroically rescue her. This results in wet but clothed clinging, straddling, and...a...lot more...talking...like...this.
Mighty Wang thinks all this makes her brave and courageous and determined and is now glowing "with inner warmth at the thought of taking her to his blankets with him and teaching her all the ways to love."
Arrival at Mighty Wang's village:
Now that she was at the village, she was surprised to see that the Seneca did not reside in tepees. Instead, they lived in long, gabled houses which appeared, beneath the light of the moon, to be covered with elm bark. The village overlooked the river from the hills of its western banks. She could see that the village was surrounded by gardens filled with many vegetables. The houses were scattered here and there in random fashion.
About 2 pages of chit-chat later, there's a passage on corn that The Ladies have in their text document.
On page 114.
ETA 4:
For badness purposes not "want to try your googlefu on this?" here is Busty BG wondering about Mighty Wang's father:
Was he as kind, caring man, or had he ruled with an iron fist? She doubted the latter, for he was Shadow Hawk's father and Shadow Hawk seemed not at all the sort who would be a ferocious leader. He must rule with kindness and understanding, for had he not been gentle with Shawndee from the very beginning?
Please to be noting that she's talking about the guy who abducted her in the middle of the night and held a knife on her just a few hours ago.
Next is a long purple prose-y conversation with...lots...of...talking...like...this. It concludes with this: "But do not get any notion of leaving my lodge. I [learned first person, have we?] will never be far from it, and if I find you gone, I will quickly track you down and return you to this room...But then you would be securely tied-a true captive."
Note: Mighty Wang is leaving his amazingly ill father alone with the woman he kidnapped.
Meanwhile, Busty BG, in true TSTL romance heroine fashion, is poking around the lodge and has discovered a storage room or love nest or something. I dunno. There's a lot of being stabbed by jealousy going on. Busty BG puts on the clothes she thinks belong to Mighty Wang's wife or girlfriend, he walks in, they ogle for a few pages, and within 12 hours of being abducted and having a knife held on her, she's internally declaring her love. She is now sighing over his amazing kiss.
We have another copied bit where he warns her about poking her nose where it doesn't belong. It's blatantly not by Edwards because it involves words like "calumny," "violation," and "fundamental." I also seem to have missed a short second part of the corn thing. Ah well.
Mighty Wang is now telling dad about the whole kidnapping plot. Dad approves of the kidnapping part, but not the lusting after a white woman part. Mighty Wang is talking about how the kidnapping will make the tavern close down, Dad is more worried about the lusting after a white woman bit than kidnapping, soldiers, witch hunts and a village of alcoholics combined.
Many dull pages of Mighty Wang and his sister being pure, followed by Wannabe Rapist and Tavern Mama. Wannabe Rapist definately wants his way with Busty BG regardless of gender, though he seems to be leaning towards "boy." Tavern Mama has decided that rape is ok, as long as Busty BG is eventually returned to her. Uhm...at least she's worried?
Ok, she threatened him. I find it hard to take it seriously, though.
The Ladies and I both now spot more stealing. I think lines like "serrated rims" and "parallel lines" clued us in. It was over something called gadje pots. Busty BG makes note of them during mutual ogling.
When Mighty Wang tells Busty BG that he won't go tearing off to rescue her mother from the witch hunt because his father is dying(but he could leave to go kidnap her about a day and a half ago) and he wants to wait until the next day: this is how she replies: "What...do...you mean, tomorrow?...Are you saying I must wait...until...tomorrow?"
Insert mutual whining over whose parent is more important.
Busty BG watching the village people:
Her gaze followed the women, whose duties seemed varied. Some cooked on outdoor fires just outside their lodges, while others went to bring fresh water from the river, and others sat and sewed in the shade from their lodges.
She watched elderly men who sat, cross-legged, beside the large outdoor fire, sharing talk and smokes from their long-stemmed pipes.
Now she is being nosy again(doesn't listen well, it seems) and has pulled a trunk of scalps out from under his bed.
On page 190.
For badness purposes not "want to try your googlefu on this?" here is Busty BG wondering about Mighty Wang's father:
Was he as kind, caring man, or had he ruled with an iron fist? She doubted the latter, for he was Shadow Hawk's father and Shadow Hawk seemed not at all the sort who would be a ferocious leader. He must rule with kindness and understanding, for had he not been gentle with Shawndee from the very beginning?
Please to be noting that she's talking about the guy who abducted her in the middle of the night and held a knife on her just a few hours ago.
Next is a long purple prose-y conversation with...lots...of...talking...like...this. It concludes with this: "But do not get any notion of leaving my lodge. I [learned first person, have we?] will never be far from it, and if I find you gone, I will quickly track you down and return you to this room...But then you would be securely tied-a true captive."
Note: Mighty Wang is leaving his amazingly ill father alone with the woman he kidnapped.
Meanwhile, Busty BG, in true TSTL romance heroine fashion, is poking around the lodge and has discovered a storage room or love nest or something. I dunno. There's a lot of being stabbed by jealousy going on. Busty BG puts on the clothes she thinks belong to Mighty Wang's wife or girlfriend, he walks in, they ogle for a few pages, and within 12 hours of being abducted and having a knife held on her, she's internally declaring her love. She is now sighing over his amazing kiss.
We have another copied bit where he warns her about poking her nose where it doesn't belong. It's blatantly not by Edwards because it involves words like "calumny," "violation," and "fundamental." I also seem to have missed a short second part of the corn thing. Ah well.
Mighty Wang is now telling dad about the whole kidnapping plot. Dad approves of the kidnapping part, but not the lusting after a white woman part. Mighty Wang is talking about how the kidnapping will make the tavern close down, Dad is more worried about the lusting after a white woman bit than kidnapping, soldiers, witch hunts and a village of alcoholics combined.
Many dull pages of Mighty Wang and his sister being pure, followed by Wannabe Rapist and Tavern Mama. Wannabe Rapist definately wants his way with Busty BG regardless of gender, though he seems to be leaning towards "boy." Tavern Mama has decided that rape is ok, as long as Busty BG is eventually returned to her. Uhm...at least she's worried?
Ok, she threatened him. I find it hard to take it seriously, though.
The Ladies and I both now spot more stealing. I think lines like "serrated rims" and "parallel lines" clued us in. It was over something called gadje pots. Busty BG makes note of them during mutual ogling.
When Mighty Wang tells Busty BG that he won't go tearing off to rescue her mother from the witch hunt because his father is dying(but he could leave to go kidnap her about a day and a half ago) and he wants to wait until the next day: this is how she replies: "What...do...you mean, tomorrow?...Are you saying I must wait...until...tomorrow?"
Insert mutual whining over whose parent is more important.
Busty BG watching the village people:
Her gaze followed the women, whose duties seemed varied. Some cooked on outdoor fires just outside their lodges, while others went to bring fresh water from the river, and others sat and sewed in the shade from their lodges.
She watched elderly men who sat, cross-legged, beside the large outdoor fire, sharing talk and smokes from their long-stemmed pipes.
Now she is being nosy again(doesn't listen well, it seems) and has pulled a trunk of scalps out from under his bed.
On page 190.
Ok, enough for now. Time to fix me some food.