meganbmoore | Private Pleasures by Bertrice Small

You lot have no idea how much you owe me for writing this up for you.

Nora Buckley is a 40-something mother of two who has just learned that her husband is cheating on her with a girl barely older than their daughter. Nora, of course, is utterly the victim here. Now, let me explain something real quick. I despise cheating. Any canon that encourages the idea of cheating as being ok or an “improvement” on the status quo loses any respect I may have had for it. Don’t even get me started on fanon cheating. IMO, cheating on your significant other is just another form of psychological abuse, in addition to a betrayal. And yet, I can’t remotely sympathize with Nora. Why?

The woman was an utter doormat. She never tried to have any life or identity outside of being a spouse and mother. She never stood up for herself, nor is it indicated that she ever even indicated to her husband that she might want to do more than sit at home and bake cookies. The only indication that she ever tried to assert herself was that one time she wanted to try something other than the missionary position. This is both the ultimate proof of her oppression, and the sign of her husband’s Supreme Evilness. Please note that he, of course, is portrayed as irredeemably evil from the start. Not helping matters is the fact that Bertrice Small’s leads-especially her ~~self-inserts~~ female leads-are some of the most amazingly unlikable characters I have ever encountered in fiction. I always root for the evil women out to destroy the good guys, or the pitiful ones who are ruled by their Evil Sexuality. (Any woman other than the heroine who likes sex is always evil or weak.)

I claim no responsibility for any mental scarring should you continue reading this post.

So, new girlfriend wants to get married. Hubby wants a divorce. Nora angsts. Nora’s buddies go “Hey! We have a great solution!” and tell her about something called The Channel, where women can sign up and then they fall asleep in front of the TV and then go off to ~~a magical land with unicorns that fart rainbows~~ a place where their every sexual fantasy is fulfilled.

Naturally, 40-something women can’t become strong or assertive, much less have sex with young studs, so in The Channel, Nora is transformed into a 30-year-old with a fabulous bod. Inside The Channel, she gets a pair of boytoys whose names I can’t remember and they have threesomes involving everything Small can think of. Boytoy A is instantly in love with Nora and jealous of the idea of anyone else being near her. Boytoy B is weird and kinky (but gives great orgasms, of course) and bisexual. Nora later sells him to another of The Channel’s boytoys because she realizes he might like Boytoy A, and Boytoy A is her pet.

Nora’s ultimate acts against hubby? The first is to stay in The Channel for weeks, causing her body to lapse into a coma, fudging hubby’s evil plans as he can’t finish the divorce proceedings and marry his girlfriend anymore. The second is her deciding that the new girlfriend is ~~a stupid twit who just needs a better sex partner to fix her life~~ “misguided” and arranges for her to visit The Channel and gain agency and a spine and better judgment through meaningless sex. Naturally, girlie only likes really kinky sex. The kinky sex does give her the “strength” to break it off with hubby, but not before he almost kills her.

In the end, Nora gets to be in charge of The Channel and keep Boytoy A. Boytoy B is never heard from again after Nora sells him.

I will admit, Small isn’t as rabidly homophobic here as she is elsewhere, or as “any female sexuality not the heroine’s is evil.” Nora’s friends use The Channel (one of them actually briefly trades partners with Nora for restaurant sex) without being vilified. Never mind that, as we do learn that the channel is “real” they’re cheating on their husbands, who are apparently largely pretty decent guys. There’s also less “homosexuality is evil and bisexuality doesn’t exist.” Nora is actually interested in seeing her boytoys together, before she gets jealous realizing that Boytoy B may actually like Boytoy A, and also that Boytoy A doesn’t hate it. In addition, Nora expresses an interest in a threesome with a maid. In virtually every other Bertrice Small book I’ve encountered, females being sexually interested in other females was the ultimate sign of evil.

Yeah, I know, even this makes you want to curl up into a ball and die. But you know, it really is an improvement. Trust me. And hey, at least there wasn’t nearly as much room for her normal skeevy race issues. If only because Nora’s fantasy apparently wasn’t to be abducted into a harem and seduce a kinky sheik to monogamy with her European purity. (Any kinky sheiks who aren’t seduced into monogamy by European purity are Evil, in Small’s world.)

ETA: To clarify on the selling of Boytoy B: Nora gives him to girlfriend's boytoy in exchange for his making sure girlfriend will will dump hubby for not being as good in bed when she gets back to reality.

Off to cleanse my brain. I demand internet chocolate and such.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

crystal-hoser.livejournal.com

...What? I-I think my brain just broke.

From:

meganbmoore.livejournal.com

Oh, you know it did. It's just too broken to fully process the trauma. The question is: how long did it take for it to break?

From:

keelieinblack.livejournal.com

My god, I think you deserve daily internet chocolate for suffering through this one. Especially if the sex scenes are just as bad and laughable as Small's tend to be.

In the fine tradition of Twilight, so many parts of this sound like the basis for a novel that's really grim and psychologically disturbing. I kind of wish that one existed instead of this one.

From:

meganbmoore.livejournal.com

Yeah. Even making the husband an actual villain or character instead of a cartoon would have helped. (And yes, the sex scenes were just as bad. The only improvement being that even she seems to realize that some terms should stay out of contemporary romances.)

From:

magicnoire.livejournal.com

W-wait. The husband tried to kill the girlfriend?

From:

meganbmoore.livejournal.com

She told him he was no good in bed and he went insane with rage.

Yeah.

I'm a damsel. I'm in distress. I can handle it.

Private Pleasures by Bertrice Small

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