Of Swords and Parasols

Possibly, I hate myself. House of Night is one of those "vampire high school" YA series that have cropped up in recent years. Vampires are "vampyres" here and, essentially, vampyrism is a genetic fluke of sorts that exists in some teenagers. When the change to vampyrism (which takes several years to complete) is activated, the affected teenagers have to find a "mature" vampyre because vampyres who have completed the change give off pheromones that can help stabilize the fledglings' bodies. Hence, vampyre highschools with vampyre teachers.

The vampyres follow the goddess Nyx, who gifts certain vampyres with extra abilities. Our Heroine, Zoey Redbird (Zoey is mixed race and while she changes her name from Montgomery to Redbird, I'm not sure if that's because she identifies as Cherokee, or because her maternal grandmother is the only family member she likes), naturally, is Nyx's most favorite fledgling ever and gets umpteen billion gifts. (For the first time in many years, I feel I have actually encountered a female leads as Super Duper Special as the average Boy With A Destiny.)

These books are awful. Awful awful awful. I'm a few pages from the end of the third (I was given ebooks of the first eight) and 9 out of 10 plot developments make me stare in horror. And not "OMG no don't do that to hir!" but "OMG WHAT NO BLOCK horribleoffensivetropes.com from the author's computer I beg you!" Every character is a walking stereotype, and usually the worst kinds of stereotypes. Culture, apparently, does not exist beyond movies with hot guys and Gossip Girl (being aware that anything else exists except Famous Vampyres makes you Uncool.) The mythology has potential, but is incredibly heavy handed "Feminism 101 ALL BELIEFS BUT OURS ARE EVIL PATRIARCHAL TOOLS OF OPPRESSION LET ME BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WTH HOW CLEARLY FEMINIST WE ARE!" and all the characters apparently eat and drink internalized 9and not so internalized) misogyny, as most conversations involving or about women are 10-80% bashing of other women, or each other. Not to mention the "vampyres are just super duper brilliant and amazing and so much more fascinating than anyone else, and only evil patriarchal bigots believe otherwise!" mindset of the books. And there's the slang. Do teenagers actually talk like these kids? Half the time, I have to reread a sentence to understand what they're saying. Like "gihugic." The first time i saw that, I thought it was a typo. Then I realized that no, it actually was deliberately typed in. At least with something like "ginormous" it's easy to see what the root was and someone can get what you're saying without having to figure out what on Earth that word was.
Drinking game:

1 shot for every famous historical figure who was a vampyre
1 shot for every time a character mentions how belief systems other than that of the vampyres are clearly so misogynistic and their beliefs are so very superior and treat women so much better.
1 chaser for every mythic figure who was a vampyre
2 shots for every time the word "vampyre" is used
1 nice big mug for every real person who is a vampyre (warning: sometimes a string of names is dropped)
Head for the keg every time a character expresses SHOCK that a beautiful or talented person isn't a vampyre.
You might need an ambulance after about 3 chapters. But it can make it fun times to throw darts at action figures every time Our Heroines refer to other women as "bitch," "bitch hag," "hag," "slut," "stank" or "ho." You might need a crate of darts. And to clean out all the local toy shops. Especially if you just want to throw something large and heavy if the slutshaming is combined with a direct or implied threat to another woman. Often for daring to be nearby.

Did I mention that 99% of these verbal attacks are by our protagonists? It's kind of hard to like your protagonists or enjoy Bechdel passing when your female leads (andthe gay best friend) are apparently incapable of talking to each other most of the time without bashing other women and/or wishing harm on them.

So, basically, the only character I don't hate is Aphrodite, the bigoted Mean Girl and former bully, because at least she doesn't think she's nice, and can speak 3 sentences without insulting other women unless they've been bashing her, and is less offensive when she does so. Also, unlike most other characters, I actually find her a bit sympathetic so far. 9Other characters i might like are sunk so deep into being walking stereotypes that I can't get past that.)

Unfortunately, these books are also horrifically compelling and I can't seem to stop myself. And by "horrifically compelling," I mean "What new plot development will prove that it really can get worse? Will the beautiful but evil priestess who was sexually abused by her father and who sent her boyfriend to seduce her teenaged ward as part of a plot to make everyone hate her ward and who may be killing her students to turn them into zombies be revealed to also be someone who eats babies and decapitates her friends for kicks?" I feel like a small piece of my soul dies with most new plot development. Lik when Zoey is making out with her human ex boyfriend and 2 black boys randomly walk up and talk about how they're going to beat him up and then take turns raping Zoey while he watches. And I was all "OMG WHAT DID YOU ACTUALLY GO THERE?" And then Zoey uses her powers to fling them into the street where they're promptly hit by a truck.

Yes, they really are those kinds of books.